Thursday, March 22, 2012

The Cop Said, "Breathe Into This, I'm Checking Your Toothpaste Level."

Things I sincerely believe-

When a male gynecologist is about to examine a woman, she should be allowed a firm grip on his testicles so that they can share in the "this may pinch a bit" experience. This practice should also be in effect for male dentists or anyone else who asks you to open wide.

God should have given women a hook on the base of their spines and a loop on the top of each butt cheek so that when we hit fifty, we can bustle them up like the dragging train on a wedding gown.

Dogs are smart and only play dumb so they can nap all day. Some husbands have perfected the same trick.

There is someone standing at a utility sink in a Aquafina factory filling bottles from the tap before they are sealed. Evian costs more, so they probably use a garden hose. Don't get me wrong, I buy bottled water by the case, but every time I do, I feel like I've been snookered somehow.

The happiness and joy my dogs give me is not worth picking up warm poo with a thin plastic bag and carrying it through the neighborhood. It's hard to convince the neighbors to come over for dinner when you are standing with a pile of poo in the hand that touches the food.

There is someone watching through the black plastic square on the back of "automatic flush" toilets. They decide when to flush and when not to depending on how much they are enjoying watching you dance in front of the toilet in an attempt to activate the "automatic sensor" on the back.

The weather channel should only be allowed to show you the weather in areas where they are having worse weather than you are. Showing you the temps in Florida and Hawaii when you can't get to your car unless you have a rope stretching from your porch to the driver's door to guide you through the blizzard is just mean.

Making two trips when you can strain your back, strangulate your hernia, and dislocate your shoulder carrying all the grocery bags at once is for sissies. Don't tell my surgeon, my physical therapist, or Blue Cross I said that.

The secret to a happy marriage is marrying an orphan.

It is always a bad idea to brush your teeth while operating a motor vehicle going seventy miles an hour. I'm not sure why the man I saw on Sunday needed to brush his teeth so badly that he couldn't wait until he was parked somewhere. Maybe he'd been drinking and didn't want his wife to smell something on his breath or maybe he was late for a hot date. I have no idea, but I knew I didn't want to be around when he had to steer with his knees so he could use both hands to floss.

Real estate agents in beach towns have animatronic dolphins that they share with each other to sucker in buyers. When you are considering buying a property near the ocean, you will always see happy dolphins jumping out of the water to entertain you, but once you own the property, you will never see a dolphin again. Coincidence? I think not. Those real estate agents are all in on the conspiracy. The ones in mountain locales probably share robot deer that scamper playfully across the lawn.

The scales in doctors' offices are rigged. I can't be the only one who always weighs five pounds more at the doctor's office than on any other scale. Not just one doctor's office. All of them. On a similar topic, no male doctor with a big beer belly should ever scold a pregnant woman for gaining weight. Ever.

Salads may be good for your heart, but a banana cream pie heals all wounds.

And finally, I firmly believe that all future photo id's should be taken while the person is holding either a cell phone or a laptop in front of the bottom half of their face for a truer representation of what they usually look like. Remember the good old days when you sat down to watch a movie as a family and you could look around the room at your loved ones and actually see their faces? When their fingers were digging into bowls of popcorn instead of feverishly texting or tweeting? When watching a movie didn't take four hours because you didn't have to keep rewinding the parts they missed while updating their status? I am preparing myself to witness my daughter and her fiancé standing at the altar, each holding a laptop as they Skype their "I do's" to each other. I couldn't tell you for sure if my husband still has a beard or not since an iPad playing the theme music from classic LoonyTunes is blocking my view.

Maybe if I put my laptop on top of a bunch of pillows where I usually sit and set it to say, "Somebody please let that dog out!" "Is there anything good on TV tonight?" "What do you guys want for dinner?" along with a few other phrases that never elicit a response, I can sneak back down to Florida and no one will notice. If I do, I'm not taking my cell phone with me. And I'll brush my teeth before I hit the road.

7 comments:

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    1. Thanks, Jennifer! Thanks for stopping by again. :)

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  2. Funny stuff, I must remember to always brush my teeth before getting into my truck!

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    1. Hey, Liz! Thanks for visiting my blog. I was so freaked out by that guy that I had to pull over and call somebody, anybody to tell them about it. I've seen people doing a lot of strange things while they drive, but that was a first for me.

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  3. LOL Fun post to read before heading to bed! Totally agree about the bottled water. It's the only kind of water I'll drink, and always buy it by the case. Snookered is a good way to describe it. I like that word, I'll have to start using it more. :)

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  4. Oh my gosh, Judy, what a great post. I'm laughing out loud and mentally making a list of who I've got to share this with. Thanks for putting a smile on my face =D

    I passed along the Lucky 7 challenge to you on my blog today. Participate if you're interested - or quietly ignore if you're not. I won't take it personally ;)

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  5. Funny ..love the weather channel one...:D

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