Can you please do that aardvark thing for my HSA meeting?

     Somehow, I've become the go-to person for my in-laws.

     It's my fault. As a big fan of Everybody Loves Raymond, I remember the episode where Raymond convinces Robert to do a miserable job designing his wedding invitations so that Amy will stop asking him to help with the wedding. Raymond had a long history of screwing up everything on purpose from laundry to hiring a band for his own wedding and had trained Debra not to ask for his help. I wish I had seen that episode sooner and then I never would have painted Minnie and Mickey.
  
     For the first eight or nine years of our marriage, my in-laws never called me to help with anything. They only called and told me precisely when and where to show up and what to bring. Oh, and what to dress my children in for the event. They were big on having all the grandchildren in co-ordinating outfits that ranged from lederhosen to identical Lacoste polo shirts bought on sale.
  
     But then I started painting ceramics as a hobby and the trouble started. I found that I was actually good at it and I decided to start selling my pieces at craft fairs alongside my neighbor who painted terracotta. The business grew, our pieces made it into stores, and my in-laws discovered I was good for something. What a shock that must have been!

     Milly asked me if I would make some favors for Phil's sixty-five birthday party. Excited about being included in the party planning for the first time, I said, "Of course!" Oh, to be young and naive again. Since Phil is a huge Disney fan and has all kinds of Mickey Mouse paraphernalia, Milly wanted me to paint four inch high Mickey Mouses for all the male guests and Minnie Mouses for the females. She had seen the ones I had painted for shows and loved them. I liked painting them, especially putting all the polka dots on Minnie's dress and hairbow, but they were time-consuming. It took me several hours to finish one. She needed fifty of each.

     Now of course you're thinking, "Why didn't you just say no? Why didn't you tell her you couldn't do it?" and of course you would be right. But you have to understand, at that time, my in-laws were just waiting for my husband to come to his senses and divorce me. From day one, they made it clear that I wasn't the right religion (Christian, but not Catholic), wasn't from the right area (I was small town, they were big city), wasn't the right heritage (they were hoping for a good Irish lassie),  and definitely not what they were hoping for in a wife for their little boy. I didn't have tattoos, no criminal record, no gambling or drug problems, came from a decent middle class family, had a college education, and got along easily with most people, but no matter how nice I was, I had failed at the three biggies-religion, heritage, and hometown. I was a heathen, a hick, and a mutt. I was doomed.

     So for my mother-in-law to trust me with something as important as the favors for Phil's party was huge. I couldn't say no and I couldn't blow it. I had to show them this hick-heathen-mutt could WOW their party guests. I slaved over those Mickeys and Minnies, working until the wee hours of the morning again and again, feeding my husband and children take-out meals, letting the cobwebs in my house grow so big I had to untangle the dog from one, but I finished them. And they were beautiful. Everyone at the party oohed and ahed as they were handed theirs to take home (of course, they probably gave them to Goodwill or threw them away shortly after, but still) For the first time ever, I rode home from a family party with a smile on my face instead of a burning in my gut.

     Then came a favorite cousin's party and could I please make centerpieces, which led to wedding favors and shower favors for everyone else getting married within the extended family.

     I made a video of the grandkids performing show tunes for Milly's birthday, so naturally, when Phil decided his collection of twenty years of slides needed to be organized on VHS tapes, one slide at a time, who ya gonna call? Not Ghostbusters. Soon, all photo organizing, photo editing,  and photo slideshow jobs were dumped on me because no one else in the family "could work those doggone machines and besides, you're just so good at it" or so I was told.

     When an uncle I loved very much passed away, I wrote a two page tribute for his mass booklet and another secret was out--she can write, too! Now, I am the official in-house author when anyone dies, gets married, is born, or just needs a good speech.

     I gave a couple of parties that turned out well and now I get asked to plan the whole party--menu, linens, favors, the whole shebang--when my mother-in-law wants to throw one.

     Every time, I swear I'm going to say no, but what kind of person says no to helping out when there's been a death in the family? Or a new baby? Or it's a party for your husband's elderly parents? Or I do say no to one sister and then I hear, "But you did it for sister Y's kid! What do you have against my kid anyway?" I never knew the Irish were so good at guilt!

     Maybe this is a grand plot. Maybe they are trying to keep me so busy that I don't have time to write a tell-all book revealing all their dirty laundry. My friends who have spent time around my in-laws are always telling me I should write a book with all the material they provide. Unfortunately for my in-laws, I've grown used to cobwebs big enough to trap dogs and now that I'm no longer painting Mickeys and Minnies, I use those wee hours of the morning to spill my guts. Look for a release date sometime in 2012 or 2013. (Just kidding!)

     Maybe I'll write the manuscript and leave it with my will to be published only after my death. I'm afraid publishing it before my death would hasten that death considerably.

          (This blog is anonymous because I don't want them to know that I can also cook a mean clam chowder, groom a fuzzy dog, and make a stunning shadow puppet of an aardvark. I'm not sure what they would do with those talents, but I am sure they would find a way to use them at their next party.)